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Instructions for Giving your Cat a Pill
1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left
arm as if holding a
baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either
side of cat*s mouth and
gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in
right hand. As cat
opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close
mouth and swallow.


2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.
Cradle cat in left
arm and repeat process.
3. Retrive cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left
arm holding rear paws
tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill
to back of mouth with
right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top
of wardrobe.


Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between
knees, holding front and
rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get
spouse to hold cats head
firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into
mouth. Drop pill down
ruler and rub cat*s throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill
from foil wrap.


Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains.
Carefully sweep shattered
figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on
cat with its head just
visible from below spouse*s armpit. Put pill in end
of drinking straw,
force cat*s mouth open with pencil and blow down
drinking straw.


9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to
humans, dring glass of water
to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse*s
forearm and remove blood
from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retriev cat from neighbor*s shed. Get another
pill. Place cat in
cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head
showing. Force mouth open
with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with
elastic band.


11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges.
Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for
date of last tetnus shot.
Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across
the road.
Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while
swerving to avoid cat.
Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie cat*s front paws to rear paws with garden
twine and bind tightly to
leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves
from shed. Force cat*s
mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth
followed by large piece
of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour pint
of water down throat
to wash pill down.


14. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room; sit
quietly while doctor
stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants
from right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table.

Buy a Dog LOL


 

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